I Will Always Love You

Dear Kyran, Karyssa and Gemma,

At this point, I am talking to you, Kyran and Karyssa, but one day, Gemma, this will be for you too.

Holding Gemma, I often think back to when the two of you were so small. I remember looking at you and thinking, "I could never be mad at them. I could never yell at them. I would never spank them." And, as you know, I've proven myself wrong.

The days are long. School, homework, housework, a newborn, and so many other things are thrown into our days that it is easy to let the exhaustion take over. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, I get so caught up in everything that "has" to be done, that the only time I pay attention to you is when you're misbehaving.

Yes, I know it's good for you to play together after school. Yes, I have dinner to make, a baby to feed, a house to clean, etc. Yes, I need to get down on the floor and play with you more. You usually play well together, and I just let you play...until you start fighting. And then I punish you.

Your favorite response to my punishment is to say something to the effect of, "Then I guess you don't want me to be your baby anymore!" This is usually followed by a door slam, or a dramatic drop to the floor and lots of tears. Which I usually ignore.

After an appropriate amount of time, I go into your room and tell you that, in fact, I do love you, and I do want you to be my baby, just not to act like a baby. We hug and you tell me that I'm the best mommy in the world.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

There is no way you will understand what I mean when I say "I love you" until you have children of your own. We play the "I love you more" game, but you'll never win. No matter how many times I tell you, "Nothing you do will ever make me stop loving you," you just don't get it.

I love our time together. The time when you ask me to play with you. When you come sit by me, or on me, for our cuddle time. I know that, one day, you will be too big or too cool to cuddle, or to play with your mommy.

You both love to kiss me all over my face, like I've done to you since you were tiny. I try to remember the feeling of each kiss, knowing that one day soon, you'll do that for the last time.

I'm praying that I don't get so wrapped up in what I "need" to do, that I miss the rewards of doing my most important job. You.

I love you always and forever.