Nursing

The day that Kyran and Karyssa stopped nursing, I called Jason and he thought someone had died. After 16 months, my preemie babies no longer needed my milk, and I wasn't producing enough to keep them happy.

I was sure that would be the last time I ever nursed a baby.

From the beginning with them, the odds were stacked against me. I couldn't actually nurse them for a month, and it took forever for my milk to come in. A lot of preemie moms aren't able to nurse because of this. I also had two babies to produce milk for, and was told that it would be impossible to exclusively breastfeed them. While I did have to pump after each feeding, they were still almost completely nourished by my milk for the whole time.

It took a lot of work, but it was worth it, and I was so sad when they were through.

Then came Gemma.

I was hopeful that I could put her directly on the breast after birth, that my milk would come in easily and that I could nurse her for at least 18 months.

Again, there were complications. She was sent to the NICU before I even had a chance to hold her, much less nurse her. She was on a CPAP machine that didn't allow me to nurse her. So, again, I went straight to the pump. My milk was slow to come in. Doing kangaroo care helped, and I was able to nurse her when she was four days old (instead of 4 weeks, like Kyran and Karyssa). During my re-admittance to the hospital,  I was able to pump every two hours and my milk production started to increase.

The first time I nursed her with the lactation consultant, she attempted to put some formula in Gemma's mouth to encourage her to suck. Instead, she reared her head back and started screaming. Convinced that it was just too much, the LC tried it again, with the same result. Gemma did not like formula. Only her mommy's milk. That definitely gave me motivation to make sure my milk supply stayed where she needed it to be. 

For the first few months that she was home, my milk supply was great, and she would nurse for quite a while. Then, at her four month appointment, she wasn't gaining weight like she had been. I tried lots of things, and ended up pumping after each feeding again, and going back to dream feeds. She had previously been sleeping from 8pm-8am, but usually stayed asleep for the dream feeds, so it wasn't too much for her.

That helped my supply, and although she stayed tiny, she continued to grow at a steady rate.

At 6 months, we started solid foods, but I continued to nurse her first so that she would get all she needed without being stuffed from her solid meal. At this point, she started refusing the bottle completely. At first, she wouldn't take a bottle from me (or solid food from me). Then she started taking the solid food and stopped taking a bottle from Jason. Soon after that, she stopped taking a bottle from my mom as well. This put even more pressure on me to keep my supply up, but I was happy to do what I needed to.

I did need to use both Reglan and Domperidone at different points, but I made it to one year, and had plans to slowly wean her at that point. She continued to want to nurse, so we kept at 3-4 times each day at first. At 13 months, we went to just once in the morning and once at night, and it is quicker and quicker each day.

I know that the day is coming soon where she, like her big brother and sister, just refuses to even try. There won't be enough to make it worth the effort, especially when there is whole milk waiting for her in her sippy cup.

And I will cry.

I'm more ready for it this time, since I've had a bonus 13 months that I didn't think I'd ever have. But I will still be sad.

I will miss the only time she'll really let me cuddle her. I'll miss the way her eyebrows raise when my milk lets down, and the contented look seconds later as she is filling her belly. I will miss the way she now pulls off to honk my nose, make faces at me, talk to me, or do other things to make me laugh. I will miss the sweet eye contact we make and the closeness that we feel during that time. I will miss the way she now pulls at my shirt and says "more, more" to let me know she wants a drink.

I am so blessed to have been able to provide this perfect (and free) food to my children! It wasn't always easy, but it was always worth it.