Birthdays

I have always loved birthdays. I look forward to mine every year and always try to spend it with as many of my favorite people as possible. I don't mind getting older. I loved turning 16, 25, and didn't even blink at 30. I don't think 40 will be too bad either.

Karyssa’s and Kyran’s first and second birthdays were exciting, but they didn't really affect me. Tonight, I think I might cry myself to sleep. After reading their bedtime story tonight, I started crying. I was cuddling Karyssa first, and she kept kissing me. So sweet. Then, holding Kyran, he said, “It’s OK, Mommy.” Then he asked me, “What are you feeling?” I told him I was happy and sad, and after looking confused for a few seconds, he said, “I will make you happy.” I told him that he does make me happy, and he proceeded to try to make me laugh.

I've cried more times in the last week than I have during the entire year. Why? A mixture of reasons, one of which just hit me tonight.

First, I am celebrating having two three year olds, and overcome with emotions that I was feeling three years ago. I’m crying tears of relief and joy for the way these kids are turning out. They are so happy, healthy, well-adjusted, well-behaved (mostly) and just overall amazing people. Three years ago, I was filled with so many what-ifs and if-onlys, and now I couldn't be happier.

Second, tomorrow, when my kids turn three, they won’t be babies anymore. I know some people think one or two are the cutoff for babies, but I really think three is the mark where they start thinking, acting, talking and looking like little kids. Yes, it has been coming for a while, but the birthday just cements what is happening.

Third, as I just realized, tonight will be my last night putting one of my own “babies” to bed. While I am so excited about the next stages for them, I miss having babies. If you've read the blog for a while, you know that because of their early birth and the fact that I know have Type 1.5 diabetes, having another baby would come with many risks. So, unless God has plans that we don’t know about, my days with babies are over. I am blessed beyond belief to have my sweet, wonderful children, but this thought brings me to tears every time.

I am so excited about tomorrow. This is the first birthday that they have really understood what is going on. They've even asked for specific things (Kyran wants candles and Karyssa wants roses; I have very low-maintenance kids). We’re having lunch with one of my best friends and her baby, and will end the day with a quiet family celebration (since we do the big half-birthday party in the summer).

The past three years have gone by so quickly. Sometimes the days seem long, but the weeks, months and years seem to fly by. It’s amazing how two little people have changed my life so completely in such a short time. I’m so proud of my children and I thank God every night for them.

More good news…2012 is a leap year, so I get one extra day of them as three-year-olds!