For the First Time

I love my twins. I do. I’ve loved them from the moment I saw two lines on that test. I loved them as babies, and have absolutely loved watching them grow over the past 5 and a half years. I wouldn’t change anything about them for anything in the world.
 
But, I always felt like I was missing something. Not love, not hugs and cuddles, not smiles and kisses (I had twice as much of that stuff!), but I couldn’t figure out what it was. In the last three months, I’ve realized I was missing time with them. Time to watch them experience things. Time to really hold them and study them and let them study me. Time to watch them take in the world through brand new eyes, touch the world with brand new fingers, and hear the world with brand new ears.
 
I never had time to stop and realize what a miracle new life is.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I have always known my children are miracles. The circumstances of my pregnancy and their birth, and the first several months of their lives let me know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that miracles do happen every day. But those were BIG miracles. What I’m seeing now is the simple, everyday miracle that is a brand new baby.
 
Brand new.
 
I’m not sure why the idea never really occurred to me with Kyran and Karyssa. Maybe because I was scared. Maybe because I was exhausted. Maybe because I just didn’t have time to think. I knew the twins were new, of course, but I didn’t have time to think about what that meant.
 
Gemma is brand new.
 
With one baby (and especially since Kyran and Karyssa have started school), I have more time to just watch her. With Kyran and Karyssa, in the beginning, I spent 2.5 hours feeding them and pumping, only to start over 30 minutes later. One baby would get nursed for 30 minutes, supplemented for 30 minutes and put in his or her bouncer while the other baby was being nursed for 30 minutes and supplemented for 30 minutes, to then be put in his or her bouncer. Then the first baby was swaddled and put down for a nap so that I could pump. After pumping, the second baby would be swaddled and put down for a nap and then I would go eat or shower or whatever else I needed to do in the next 30 minutes so that I could start all over.
 
With Gemma, she eats for about 15-20 minutes and I hold her for another 15-20 minutes. Then she does tummy time or has time on her play mat just looking at the things hanging over her.
 
This is when I realized…she is seeing everything for the first time. Reaching for everything for the first time. Smiling at everything for the first time. Touching everything for the first time. Hearing everything for the first time. Smelling everything for the first time. Being kissed for the first time (although I’ve probably literally given her over 1000 kisses already). Seeing herself and me in the mirror for the first time. Smiling for the first time. Laughing for the first time. Living for the first time.
 
And I get to have another first…with my third child.
 
God’s plans are so amazing.