NICU Flashbacks

I still have a lot more pictures from the Florida trip, and a few to post from our excursion to Hilton Head last week (more on that later), but something more important has been on my mind recently for several reasons.

Almost two weeks ago, my friend Christy gave birth to her daughter, Suzie.  Induced because of blood pressure issues at 37 weeks, everything seemed fine at first.  After an hour, she began turning blue, and after some time in the NICU, it was determined that she was born with preemie lungs.  She was given surfactant, and put on oxygen, and is doing very well now.  She had a car seat test done on Sunday, and did not pass, but she passed today, and is most likely going home tomorrow with an apnea monitor. 

Christy was discharged after three days, and, probably worse since she has taken three children straight home from the hospital, she was devastated to go home without her baby.  She has been at the hospital with Suzie as much as possible, doing kangaroo care, nursing, and just loving on her sweet baby girl.  She has been getting up at night to pump milk for her. I think one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, and now hers, is to get up in the middle of the night to feed a baby, and not have a baby to hold.

I've talked to her several times, and offered her reassurance, but all the while, my mind has been drifting back to memories of my children's time in the NICU - of the worries, the lack of confidence in caring for my own babies, the celebrations of each tiny milestone, the relief in knowing that they were in good hands when I could not be there, the car seat tests, the CPR class, just everything. 

It's easy to forget, or at least not think about, how long those days were, and how blessed we are to be so far past them.

Monday night, I had a jewelry show and, during my presentation, I tell my short story about why I am now a stay-at-home mom with a need for extra income.  After the show, one of the guests came up to me and asked where and when my children were born.  As it turns out, she was the nurse who did our CPR training before the kids were discharged.  I told her that the class had been vital, as I had to perform CPR on Kyran just two weeks after they came home.  I filled her in on how well they're doing now, and again, was reminded of how blessed we are. 

Two weeks ago, two sweet baby girls entered the world at 25 weeks.  Twin sisters Alexis and Mackenzie were born and in the same NICU as Kyran and Karyssa.  I saw pictures of them on Facebook.  In the same type isolettes, with the same hand-drawn name tag by one of the talented nurses.  It brought back so many memories.  Last night, Alexis passed away.  In my life, I don't think I have ever cried as hard as I have the times that I hear about parents losing their children.  I cried for quite a while, praying for Alexis' family and thanking God for mine. 

It is so easy to forget, to become complacent, with my blessings in life.  To forget what might have been, and praise God for what is.  These "terrible twos" get to me sometimes, but even at their worst (which really isn't so bad), I cannot help but be thankful for my frustration. 

My kids get into everything, because they can walk, run, reach and grab.  My kids talk back, because they can think and speak.  My kids make a mess when they eat, because they can feed themselves.  My kids don't nap very well anymore, because they can interact so well with each other.  My kids want to listen to the same songs over and over and over again, because they can hear.  My kids want to watch the same movies over and over and over again, because they can see. 

How other moms must long for these things.  How I longed for them before I had children of my own. 

While my children were in the NICU, I didn't understand.  Over time, I've realized several good things that have come from our experience.

I have now been able to help other friends whose children have been in the NICU, and bond with other moms who have had similar experiences.

I have relaxed my expectations of my children, and enjoyed every moment and milestone.  As a very competitive person, I think if my children had been full-term, I would have constantly been comparing them to their cousins and my friends' children.  Because of their early birth, I have been able to celebrate every accomplishment and not worry so much about what they "should" be doing.

I have such an appreciation for my children.  I know how hard they worked to be here with me today.  I know how God has already touched them and protected them so much in their young lives.  I know exactly how much I am willing and able to do for my children.  I know what could have been, and that helps me appreciate so much more what is. 

Finally, it has taught me what is truly important in life. It has strengthened my faith, my relationship with my husband and my dedication to family.  I never dreamed I would be a stay-at-home mom, but I love every second of it.  I know that any financial struggles we face, or sacrifices we make in the name of our children are well worth it.  I still stress over small things, and I know I always will, but my faith, my friends, my family and my Heavenly Father give me all the comfort I need.