The Burkett Bundle

Talyse here.

Since we don’t have any scheduled doctor’s appointments until April 20, the updates will be much slower, so I have decided to take the time to let you guys know a little about how Jason and I are doing during this time. I hope it doesn’t bore you. I also hope you all like the new layout. I actually designed it myself, and it was a lot of fun!

Well, here goes…

Because of the time it took us to get pregnant, five weeks of bed rest, premature birth, eight weeks in the NICU, bringing the babies home on oxygen and monitors and the fact that we have the family that we talked about when we got married – a boy and a girl – Jason and I have decided that, unless God has other plans, we are done having children. This is both a blessing and a curse.

When I was young, my dream was to have twins, one boy and one girl. But as I got older, I realized that most people don’t have twins, and my chances of that were very slim. I imagined two, maybe three, children. All separate pregnancies, all separate babyhoods. Now faced with the reality of only one pregnancy and one babyhood, I am both happy and sad.

I am sad that I will never again have the joy of that first positive on a home pregnancy test, and never again get to celebrate that feeling with Jason. I am sad that I will never feel another life moving and growing inside of me. I will never see another heartbeat on an ultrasound or listen to another heartbeat with a Doppler. I will never again wear cute maternity clothes or have people ask me how far along I am or if I am having a boy or a girl.

I am sad that I will never enjoy the experience of childbirth. The day that Kyran and Karyssa were born was one of the greatest days of my life, but at the time it was hard to enjoy. I was so worried about whether they would be able to breathe on their own and whether their brains, hearts and lungs were developed enough to make it. I knew that in a few days, I would have to leave the hospital without my children, while so many other women left with their healthy, full-term babies in their arms.

I am sad that I will only have this feeling once. The feeling that there are these two new people in my life who, without doing anything to “earn” it, immediately upon birth became two of my three favorite people on this earth. I am sad that once they pass each stage, I will never again have that stage back. I am sad that I won’t be able to see Kyran and Karyssa interact with a new baby sister or brother. I am sad that once they graduate and leave for college, we will immediately go from a family of four to an empty nest.

But through all this sadness, there is much more happiness.

I am happy that I was able to be pregnant and carry two babies. I am happy to have seen and heard their heartbeats and felt their eight limbs moving all around day and night. I am happy that I got to wear maternity clothes and tell people how far along I was, and that, in fact, it was both a girl and a boy!

I am happy that I delivered two healthy, although small and underdeveloped, babies. I am thankful for God and the medical technology that made it possible for them to breathe and for their brains, hearts and lungs develop to the point that they are now. I am happy that five and a half weeks ago, they placed both babies in my arms and wheeled me out of the hospital, crying tears of joy the entire time.

I am happy that I have not one, but two babies to hug, cuddle and love. I am happy that the joy of having children is multiplied with twins. I am happy that I know to never take for granted any stage of their lives. Although it’s exhausting, I love midnight feedings, because it’s more time that I get to spend with my babies. Although it can be frustrating, I love hearing my babies cry. It was not too long ago that they were on ventilators that were in their vocal chords and we could not hear them cry. While I don’t like that they are uncomfortable or unhappy, I do love the sound of my healthy babies’ cries.

I am happy that Jason and I don’t have to “fight” over who gets to hold the baby. We each hold one, and then we switch when it’s time for quality time with the other baby.

I am happy that my children will be so close in age growing up, and hopefully as close in heart. I am happy in knowing that this is all a part of God’s plan, and that His perfect plan for us most likely includes Kyran and Karyssa and no other children. I’m happy knowing that by following His plan, we will be living a life full of blessings and happiness.

I am happy that God planted the dream of twins in a little girl’s head, the dream of a kind, loving, not-too-tall, dark and handsome man in a young lady’s heart, and the reality of both in a young woman’s life.

I am so happy and thankful for all of the blessings I have received and those that are still waiting for me. Although this life may never be exactly what I think it should be, it will always be a wonderful life, and I have three amazing people, not to mention wonderful friends and family, to share it with.