In the NICU: "I'm going to try to nurse them for three months."
Three months: "I'm going to try for six months."
Six months: "I'm going to try to keep going for a year."
One year: "I'll keep going until their due date on March 3."
March 3: "I"m just going to get them through RSV season at the end of March."
End of March: "I'll start weaning them and have them weaned by 16 months."
16 months: "Why did I ever wean them??"
If you had told me when they were in the NICU and I was pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock, that they would just be weaned at 16 months, I would have said you were crazy. If you had told me when they came home and I was nursing, supplementing and pumping for 16 hours out of every day, I would have said you were insane. If you told me that I'd cry when it was all done, I might have had you committed. There were several times I almost quit. But somewhere along the line, that all changed.
At first I pumped because I wanted them to get as much "liquid gold" as possible, to help them stay healthy and come home sooner. Then I nursed because it helped me feel like a mom, when there wasn't much else I could do for them in the hospital. At home, I continued to nurse because I wanted them to stay healthy, and to make up for the bonding time that we missed when they were first born. I continued to nurse because of the antibodies that they get from it, but at some point, I started loving it.
I think they would have been fine to be weaned months ago, but I held on. It's one of the only times that they would be still for me to hold them. It's a great time to make lots of eye contact, and to have some one-on-one time with them. For those reasons and more, I'm the one, not them, who had a breakdown yesterday morning when they showed little interest in nursing.
I never dreamed I'd nurse this long, or be so sad when it ended. My little "babies" are growing up much too quickly for me. I thank God for my physical and mental ability to keep going and now I pray for the emotional strength to let go.
4 comments:
I am sure it is a hard transition! I am finding out quickly that things are much tougher for me than they are for MK. I am just so proud of you and admire you for staying with it that long. Amazing! Praying that things will get easier for you!
You are an inspiration!
You've done such a great job! God will help you replace the nursing with some other form of bonding. They both know you love them dearly...I can tell by your posts! Good luck, I know you're a great mom.
It is hard when they stop, isn't it? Josh quit on me at 15 months, quite a bit before I was ready for him to be done.
Post a Comment